Parents Are Stupid

Parents are stupid. This shouldn’t be surprising, because people are stupid, and parents are people. I could draw you guys a Venn diagram of it, but I doubt you morons would get it.

Now that I’ve buttered you up and you’re on my side…

I couldn’t help but relay the results of a survey conducted for the purposes of a parenting book. When parents were asked what their greatest fear for their children was, these were the top five worries (in order):

5. Drugs
4. Dangerous strangers
3. Terrorists
2. School snipers
1. Kidnapping

Let’s start with #5. There’s really no need to worry about drugs, because your children will be exposed to them and statistically most of them will use cannabis at least once in their lifetime. This will condemn them to a life of being a normal, average American. Oh the horror…

I think #4 and #1 should be consolidated, because I am curious what people are worried about “strangers” for other than the fear that their child will be lured into a van and kept as a sex slave for years, being anally raped continuously until their body gives out or their will is broken and they become nothing but an object for the sick desires of a pervert.

Is there some other reason to be afraid of strangers? Perhaps the fear they’ll be converted to Scientology? “Son, don’t go taking any personality tests… trust me, it can screw up your life.”

The fact that people still fear terrorists makes me kind of sad. Clearly the terrorists won, so congratulations to the Terrified States of America for empowering violent people.

School snipers is awfully specific, and I can only assume they mean “school gunmen,” because I have never heard of someone holing in a crow’s nest outside a school and taking pot-shots at kids. Maybe I didn’t see that movie.

So why are people so dumb? Why do they fear things that have such an outside chance of happening? You might as well fear that the crust of the Earth will collapse into the liquid magma core of the Earth, dragging us all screaming into a lava-drenched death. Or maybe the Earth will randomly stop spinning, causing one side of the Earth to burn up while the other freezes over.

Statistically, this is what you ought to look out for:

5. Drowning
4. Suicide
3. Abuse
2. Homicide
1. Car Accident

Both #2 and #3 are most likely to be done, not by a stranger, but by someone you know and trust. Teachers, clergy, youth group leaders, even your spouse is more likely to sexually or physically abuse your child than someone whose name you don’t even know.

Does this mean you shouldn’t trust anyone with your kid? No, it just means you should stop scaring your kids into not trusting strangers and explain to them that no one should be touching them anywhere that their swimsuit covers, but if someone does, they will not get in trouble if they tell you.

I think #4 makes the most sense, because I’m frankly surprised more people aren’t killing themselves every day. If I didn’t have such a finely tuned dark sense of humor, I would have offed myself years ago. Luckily, the internet has taught me how to laugh at anything (like those people jumping from the buildings on 9/11… cracks me up every time… and fuck you for trying to make me feel bad for doing it).

Where are all the calls to teach your kids to swim when discussing child safety? People are microchipping their kids because they’re worried someone is going to snatch them up. Look, no one wants your ugly kids; those kidnapping rapists can do much better.

Take your kid to a pool and get them to learn the doggie paddle. That can actually save their life. Plus it provides context for the whole “no touching in the bathing suit zone” warning.

Finally, car accidents… I don’t know what to say here besides noting that people are horrible drivers and I am not surprised in the least. It’s not even 16 year olds with a fresh license that are the only problem, it’s these paranoid parents who have their kids enrolled in a thousand and one organized activities, and they’re late for one of them. Quick, drive 20 over the speed limit and they might make it to Tae Kwon Do [where they will probably be raped...]!

In fact, car accidents are not only deadly to children, they’re one of the leading causes of death for people of all ages (except maybe people over 65, who are just as likely to die from a stiff breeze knocking them over and breaking their hip). I hear constant complaints of terrorism among people who drive like maniacs.

I got news for you: if you don’t drive carefully, you are a terrorist.