Gun Cry Babies

I should start this off with a fact most readers of this blog may be shocked to know. Brace yourself. No seriously, hold onto something and get ready:

I don’t think anyone should take away your guns. Shocking, I know.

Why would I think guns should be confiscated? It’s basically a losing battle, the metallic equivalent to the war on drugs. Perhaps if people knew that I believe meth, crack and heroin should be legal (and they should), it would come as no surprise.

What I find particularly amusing and telling of the whole gun culture is the aggressive reaction one receives if one even suggests that you would be better off not buying guns.

“Guns save lives you pusillanimous piece of statist trash! More people die because of police beatings than from murder by gun!”

Doctors save lives, guns take lives. Thousands die from murder every year in the US, and the most commonly used weapon is a gun. Compare this to just under 400 deaths caused by police abuse. As a comparison, almost 700 people die from accidents related to guns every year.

Now, resist the urge to ignore what I have to say, because I still have no interest in outlawing guns. I’m just trying to put the ridiculous claims of gun advocates in a realistic perspective. Guns don’t make you safer, it’s a statistical fact. I’m sorry. They may make you feel better, in the same way a blanket makes a child feel secure, though a blanket won’t go off accidentally if you sleep with it under your pillow.

But let’s go back to heroin, crack and meth. If those three drugs were legalized tomorrow, would you run out and buy some heroin just to exercise your right as an American to purchase some? If your pal just opened a new shop, would you purchase some meth for him? If you had a tiny dick, would you smoke crack to forget about it?

Yes, it would be legal, but you have to ask yourself: are these decisions in your best interest?

“I have a right to protect my family.”

Who said anything about rights or protection? I don’t care if you buy a gun and have a family, but you should know that a gun you buy is eight times more likely to shoot you, a family member, or a friend than it is to be used in defense of your home and loved ones against an intruder you don’t know.

And I’m not even talking accidents, here. In fact, nine times out of ten, a murder victim was a family member or close friend… wait a minute. Are you all buying guns to protect yourselves from your loved ones? And here I was thinking it was to protect your loved ones from crack addicts, meth heads, and heroin junkies…

“Listen you progressive liberal left-wing socialist commie pinko statist government goon, you don’t know me or my situation, and I’ve owned guns my whole life. I’m 158 years old. I’ve never committed a crime, nor have I accidentally shot someone. I took the time to learn how to properly use my gun, so fuck off!”

Why would anyone oppose the right to bear arms for someone harboring so much anger, right?

But in all seriousness, I’m curious: how does a gun protect you when you’re asleep? How can a gun protect your home when you’re away? Would carrying a gun on your person prevent someone from coming up behind you on the street and hitting you in the back of the neck, where the skull meets the spinal cord, knocking you unconscious?

After they rabbit punch you, they’re just going to take your gun, which I honestly doubt they’ll use to commit more crime, probably just to sell… for meth, heroin or crack, which would be cheaper if only it was legal… but I digress.

I couldn’t agree more that gun owners are more likely to kill someone with their car (I hope accidentally) than with their gun (which is usually not accidental). I know with relative certainty that most guns will not be used to commit a crime, let alone wound or kill someone. In fact, most guns just collect dust, though hopefully not literally. They should be cleaned on a regular basis, and frankly I hope you use your gun from time to time.

Go hunting. I don’t even care if you kill a condor. Who needs a bird that big. I bet its turds would dent your car on impact. Hell, follow it back to its nest, then kill it, take its eggs, and make an omelet from the mother and babies. I really don’t give a shit.

If hunting isn’t your thing, go to the range. Take out some of that aggression while picturing your boss, your spouse, your kids, your parents, the guy at work who gets your name wrong, the asshole in front of you who just sat there through the green turn arrow and made you have to wait through a whole new cycle, the liberal bloggers who want to take your manhood away by making you use a real weapon like a bat, or a sword, or an axe…

Just know that you’re a pawn on the billion dollar gun industry’s board. There’s more guns than there are people in America, but over half of homes don’t have a gun. In fact, the overwhelming majority of guns are owned by just 10-15% of the population. Almost half of gun owners own both a handgun and a long-barrel firearm.

I don’t point this out to suggest, “Oh no, people are stockpiling an arsenal!” I say it to point out that the gun industry relies on a loyal base of consumers to purchase their several-hundred dollar products. It would be dumb to buy a TV and never turn it on, but it’s my impression that many gun owners do just that with their firearms.

If you plan to use a gun or two or three or a baker’s dozen, then by all means buy them. If you want to feel secure, have the doors and windows to your house reinforced. And if you do own guns, take proper care of them.

Most store their guns unloaded, which is technically responsible ownership, but it sort of defeats the whole idea of “being prepared at a moment’s notice.” Maybe a minute’s notice is enough in some cases, but a decent psychopath can have a clip full of bullets in you before you have any idea what’s going on, even if your gun is sitting loaded just a few feet away.

Also strange is that everyone thinks that in an emergency, they’ll be a hero. No one thinks they will freeze up, or stumble, or fumble around, or piss themselves, and certainly all of you would be able to react quicker when being surprised than the person who probably had their weapon pointed at you from the moment you saw them.

The fact is, owning a gun doesn’t make you any less likely to be the victim of a crime, nor will anything short of sitting in your home, day and night, holding a loaded gun with the safety off. It is also interesting to point out that one commonly stolen item in America happens to be firearms.

Which leads me to one final note. I’m sure you’ve all seen this:

Just in case my neighbor ever puts up such a sign, I came up with my own: