You can privatize public works, but you can’t publicize your privates at work.
It is undeniable that the United States has become too complex to be understood by any single person, let alone an American.
I know a lot of Christians who say they have been reading the Bible for decades now. How long does it take these people to finish a book? No wonder they’re so fucking stupid.
If McDonald’s tells its workers to smile, they ought to provide dental.
In these tough economic times, sperm banks are doing brisk business. Some have even installed ATMs to you can make a deposit without having to cum inside.
If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes Republican policy.
If you took one of every translation of the Bible ever made and stacked them one atop the other, they would reach the moon, but not a conclusion.
America hates intellectual elitists. We prefer emotional morons; it eases our inferiority complex.
If you’re a true patriot, buy cigarettes. Nothing is more heavily taxed. Think of our national debt and get puffing. With a little luck, we’ll die before we have to pay it off.
Politicians aren’t talking like that because they’re idiots; they’re talking like that because they know we’re idiots.
If over half the country is depressed, should happiness be diagnosed as a disease?
When America is faced with problems of vast importance, we settle for half-vast answers.
Technology can rid society of drudgery, but not drudges.
Slavery is not necessarily racist. Even the word “slave” derives from the white, Slavic people who were sold into captivity. Everyone knows you can get cash for Czechs.
I wish Republicans would stop thinking of it as “abortion” and instead think of it as “capital birth control.”
Who answers when God asks, “Why am I here?”
Obama and Jesus have some things in common:
- Jesus could turn water into wine; Obama can turn water into Kool-aid.
- Jesus walked on water; Obama built a platform on absolutely nothing.
- Jesus was hung on a cross; according to Michelle, Barack is also hung.
- Jesus was despised by Pharisees, a group of ultra-fundamentalists who took the Old Testament too literally; Obama is... well, you know.
How I grow bored of election years;
Shiny new puppets, same puppeteers.
Voting by loathing,
Sheep in wolves’ clothing,
With whom would you like to have beers?