Friday, September 3, 2010

Glenn Beck: Master of Paradox

I never write about Glenn Beck. He reminds me of this pudgy blonde kid with a buzz-cut I knew in grade school who tried to convince me that Darwin admitted that evolution was wrong on his death bed. I was about 12 at the time, and Christian, yet I didn’t believe him. He just didn’t make a convincing argument, only an emotional one.

Glenn Beck is pretty much the most retarded person Fox News ever broadcast, and this is saying a lot. This is the network of Gretchen Carlson, who on air admitted to not only having to look up what “ignoramus” meant, but also got the definition wrong (“it means ‘an ignorant lawyer’”). Sorry Gretchen, all those people who mocked you in school weren’t suggesting you would one day make it to law school.

[I can understand the confusion, because the word enters the English language via George Ruggle’s 17th century play Ignoramus, about a stupid lawyer by that name, and is derived from the Latin word ignoramus, meaning one who ignores. But she’s far too stupid to have known this, and I assume she just misread the first Google entry for “ignoramus,” the definition, which references this play.]

About the only thing Glenn Beck does well is dog-whistle politics. This is the art of disguising what you have to say with euphemisms that are appropriate to say in public, but have an understood meaning among your canine-brained audience.

“States rights” used to mean pro-segregation, but now it means “overturn Roe v. Wade.” This is also alluded to when discussing “values,” or calling for a “return to God.” Beck clearly doesn’t mean that states have the right to determine whether gay people can marry (which is a state right), only that states have the right to force religious prejudice and oppression on others.

Another one is “restoring honor.” This really means “putting a white, evangelical back in the White House.” It has nothing to do with honor. After all, these are the people who bitched about Michelle Obama’s comment about finally being able to be proud of America again. If you think America is dishonorable… doesn’t that make Glenn as “unpatriotic” as Michelle?

But the biggest paradox is the constant calls for a return to constitutional values, which is simultaneously accompanied by a call for more “religion.”

The constitution expressly forbids the government from endorsing religion in the first amendment. Really, it’s not about religion or God, it’s about a specific brand of Protestantism. Jews aren’t included in this, nor are Catholics, and Muslims… oh boy. Forget that part of the first amendment about the government not “prohibiting the free exercise” of religion. We have got to stop those terrorists before they ruin America by preventing them from building mosques!

One would almost need a glossary in order to fully understand what is being said at rallies like the one on August 28th at the Lincoln Memorial. The meaning is only clear when you actually talk to the people on the ground at the rallies, people not intelligent enough to couch their prejudice and hatred in neutral language.

[I urge you to watch the whole thing when you have time, it’s well worth 13 minutes of your life to see how hateful and blissfully misinformed American voters really are.]

They try, oh they try. They do the best that their inbred, fast-food fed brains can muster. They’ll initially parrot the typical line: “we need to take back our country” [which means absolutely nothing except “We need a Republican in office, not a Democrat”], but they quickly resort to emotionally charged religious bullshit aimed at scaring us into believing the US is on the road to becoming a doomed socialist hell-hole run by a secret Muslim.

Glenn Beck is a douchebag who is long on emotionally charged pandering, short on facts, and obsessed with telling scared white Americans what they want to hear so he can build up his own personal cult. He even compares himself to Jesus. I’m not even a Christian, and I find the whole thing rather blasphemous.

If you see people in red marching your way, it isn’t the communists… it’s worse. It’s Republicans, and they’re coming for your freedom to be different.

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