Them’s Phiten Words

Like most Americans, I watch TV. Unlike most Americans I have talked to, I pay as much attention to advertising as I do to the shows themselves.

It’s not that I like advertisements, it’s that I feel there is a lot to be learned from advertising. It’s a free psychology lesson for those willing to transcend mere observation and partake in analysis.

More importantly, in an age of hundreds of channels, commercials are the only thing viewed by all American television viewers; they are the cultural glue that binds us (now with 50% stronger holding power! And it won’t leave a sticky residue! Amazing!)

Back in the 90’s a new style of ad appeared that perplexed some people: the ambiguous ad. These are the commercials that, from start to finish, you would be unable to figure out what they are trying to sell if your life depended on it.

So, after seeing a few ads for Phiten, a mysterious product clearly aimed at athletes, I took a stab at what it was and Googled it. I correctly guessed that they were advertising jewelry, and I even managed to hypothesize that it was of the class of adornment marketed for providing health benefits while wearing it.

This stuff is completely ridiculous. Save yourself the $85 dollars you would have spent on a cloth “Titanium Necklace X30.” Yes, I said cloth, because these are nothing but common textile fibers interwoven with miniscule amounts of titanium. You could literally make one of these yourself for about a dollar in raw materials.

Some marvelous quotes from Phiten’s own website:

Anyone can benefit from wearing our products to help aid in counteracting the stress and fatigue of everyday life.

Phiten products work with your body’s energy system, helping to regulate and balance the flow of energy throughout your body. Proper energy balance helps to alleviate discomfort, speed recovery, and counteract fatigue.

At Phiten we are proud of our products and proud to increase the health and well being of the people that believe in our products.

You shouldn’t be surprised to find out this is an Asian company, based on the flimsy “chi”-like ideology of the claims being made. They even have a ridiculously pseudo-scientific name for the magic being performed by these charms: the Phild Process.

Titanium has been found by our scientists to be particularly responsive to the Phild Process; meaning, it is consistently effective in emitting, or "passing on" the stabilizing effect of the Phild Process.

Well, my questions and concerns are put to rest. Thank you Professor Salesman.

This kind of crap has been around for a long time (remember those stupid copper bracelets, or woven metal bands with two metal balls?), but at what point can these people be sued for false advertising? At what point can someone make health claims about a product which does absolutely nothing, besides line the pockets of the shysters pushing it? And finally… how stupid are human beings that this company earned enough money to advertise on TV?