Saturday, February 26, 2011

Self-Absorbed or Better Time Management?

Sometimes, The Onion really nails it:

During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Blake Richman was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he's squandered a significant portion of his life listening to everyone's bullshit, the 38-year-old told reporters.

A visibly stunned and solemn Richman, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he's wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people's half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, dumbfuck stories.

"Jesus Christ," said Richman, taking in the overwhelming volume of useless crap he's actively listened to over the years. "My whole life I've made a concerted effort to give people a fair shake and understand different points of view because I felt that everyone had something valuable to offer, but it turns out most of what they had to offer was complete bullshit."

"Seriously," Richman added, "what have I gained from treating everyone's opinion with respect? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

According to Richman, it was just now hitting him how many hours of his life he's pissed away listening intently to nonsense about celebrity couples, how good or bad certain pens are, and why a particular sports team might have a chance this year. The husband and father of two said that every time he's felt at all put out or bored by a bullshit conversation—especially a speculative one about how bad allergy season was going to be—he should have just turned around, walked away, and gone rafting or repelling or done any of the millions of other things he's always wanted to do but never thought he had time for.

At various points throughout the day, Richman could be heard muttering to himself that he couldn't believe he was almost 40 years old…


  1. Some of us never had respect for the opinions of fools, we just masked our contempt until it became tiresome.

  2. Someone should tell the Onion's writers that it's "rappelling" not "repelling" -- though the misuse of "repel" might be intentionally ...uh... "ironic" given the declining value of Onion humor these days.

    Still, a pretty funny entry, despite its tepid, watered-down comic content.


  3. we just masked our contempt until it became tiresome.

    If you were ever masking, you were poor at it. As for fools, look in the mirror. Everyone with any sense grew tired of your deluded rantings a long time ago.

  4. Most of us never had any respect for bret’s proof of stupidity delivered by his irrational juvenile screeds. I guess the bright side is that bret and his parasitic rude stupidity are a living de-motivational poster. His narcissism continues to keep him from understanding his uselessness.


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