Friday, March 25, 2011

American Sociopath

So, how’s it going Bret?

Not too bad. I’ve been keeping busy since I got kicked off of Skeptical Eye for making death threats and being an overall jackass.

Fucking Jews.

I’m pretty sure no one at SE is Jewish, but thanks for the sympathy.

But dude, you’re missing the bigger picture. You defeated those earthworms with your words, imagine what you would have done with your fire-breathing fists.

My fists don’t do that, but I’m not a warlock like you.

Don’t worry, bro, they’ll offer your old job back. They always do. They can’t process you with a normal brain. You’re like me, tired of pretending you aren’t special. We are bitchin’ rock stars from Mars. We have tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA.

Well… that’s sweet of you to say, but that’s not really what I’m about.

We’ve got 10,000 year old brains and the boogers of a seven year old.

That doesn’t even make sense.

Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

Holy shit, who invited Batman?

It’s Bateman, actually.

Do you guys ever wonder why Americans have a soft spot for sociopaths?

Jealousy, my friend. It’s just pure jealousy. Everyone wants a piece of you when you’re an F-18, shooting them out of the sky and deploying your ordinance to the ground.

You don’t think the attention is reminiscent of slowing down as you pass a car accident?

Hmm, interesting…

Jesus Charlie, what are you doing?

Duh, winning. Drug tests don’t lie. Scoreboard.

Well, it’s not like saying offensive things always works out. Look at Mel, he’s as untouchable as Hitler.

Whoa whoa whoa… don’t go comparing me to Hitler. He was the master. I’ve just made movies, I’m more like Goebbels.

Well, I don’t think you guys will be much help to me, because you were all famous before people knew you were psychotic.

Perhaps I can be of some assistance.

Don’t listen to that nigger, Bret. They aren’t to be trusted.

Shut up Mel. I’m going to at least hear him out.

You have to keep it all bottled up, be real nice and polite, then when you have the world on a string, you can cut the cord and watch all the little people fall at your feet.

I agree. If they never see you coming, it’s just a lot easier.

Listen to Batman.


My mistake. Just cool it, and remain calm when speaking to the public. When you’re behind closed doors, you can order unmanned predator drone attacks or cruise missile strikes, but it’s best if people know you for talking about peace. No one cares what you actually do, just sound civil.

So I can still be a raging maniacal narcissist, so long as I keep it under wraps?

Now you got it. Besides, you aren’t narcissistic, you wanna see narcissistic?

Yeah bitch, look into the camera.

Feeling a little uncomfortable…

Trust me, Bret. Just ignore the detractors and get your message out there, and this could be you:


  1. I miss the star ratings... how will I know how many people hated this without them?

  2. how many people hated this

    I mean... besides the obvious "all of them."

  3. I removed the star ratings (though I can certainly bring them back) because I thought they just weren't a very fair system for feedback on posts. People were rating positively or negatively simply because they liked or disliked the post or its writer, and not objectively evaluating the merits. I figure they can leave a comment if they really hate something (or like it).

    On the other hand, nothing people will say in a comment is truly objective either. In my upcoming "news and notes" post I will mention the start ratings and see if there is a demand to have them restored.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Don't get me wrong, they don't have to be stars... they could be hearts or clovers or some other Lucky Charm. I just like any possibility for interaction, and sometimes people can't be bothered to type a whole comment or... for some strange reason... they worry how their comment will be received and what the reply will be.

    Obviously it's not up to me, but as the person who is probably most likely to get unflattering feedback, don't get rid of them for my benefit. There's nothing quite like getting four or five people all giving something 1/5. I like to imagine that's the one thing that person did to express their real opinion that day. It's empowering to have anonymous feedback like that, and it may be the only way some people can confidently respond to our work.

    I don't know, maybe I'm just nostalgic and talking out of my ass, and maybe it encourages people to actually comment if they can't just one-click a rating.

  6. I must of bumped my head... cause I see stars!

    Ahh, the familiarity of it... now if Radio would just call me a narcissist, I'd feel completely at home.


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