Read Him His Lack of Rights

Imagine you did something absolutely heinous, like purchasing cannabis or selling unpasteurized milk or, God forbid, criticizing the US and its policies. You’re in jail now, you fucking abhorrent bastard.

So what does one do between getting gang tattoos and being shower raped?

I have thought about this from time to time, and I know what I would do with most of my free time: curl up [in the fetal position] with a good book. Imagine my shock if I were imprisoned in South Carolina and the only book I would be allowed to read was the Bible.

Now, I’ve read the Bible. A couple times, in fact. It’s not an easy read, nor would I say it’s one of the best books I ever read. As a piece of literature, it’s rather derivative and plagiarizes heavily from previous works, nor is it even the most recent divinely authorized text of that theological lineage (shout out to the Koran, asalamalakum, motha fucka!).

What’s worse, Christians have pretty much ruined the ending for everyone. I imagine it would be like if the only movie the prison ever showed inmates was “The Sixth Sense” or “Titanic.” After a while… it would be “cruel and unusual punishment.”

What kind of mind-fuck is this prison trying to pull here? When I read things like this, I am reminded of people who have never been to jail but complain about how prisoners have it so easy. I guess this is one prison that has completely given up on rehabilitation and decided they are not only a punitive measure, but a recruitment tool for Christianity.

I also wonder: why do they need to bother? The most popular tattoo among prisoners is already the cross, so clearly these are people already acquainted with “the good book.”

Luckily, as an atheist, my odds of going to jail and having to endure this are slim to none. I guess believing a sky ghost will forgive you for whatever you do isn’t the best way of making people act in a responsible manner.

After all, no atheist would ever smoke pot, sell raw milk, or criticize the government…