The Greatest Holiday

The annual Skeptical Eye Halloween "poem":



Essie wasn't the prettiest kid,

she was more like what some would call a hideous pig,

but mom and dad said she looked just fine,

and that calling her ugly was more than a crime.

But Essie knew her parents were lying,

cause the kids at school said they saw her flying ,

by which they meant, that she was a witch,

someone so horrible to look at, if they were with her,

they'd have to just ditch her.

But instead of letting all of this just get her down,

she decided one Halloween to dress up as a clown.

She had so much fun scaring folks in the hood,

that she knew that if she wanted to be evil, she could.

So Essie gave up Thanksgiving and football cheers,

and she even forgot all about Xmas and New Years.

She just wanted only the holiday for witches,

why, she'd show all the girls at school, the bitches!

So she proclaimed Halloween the greatest of days,

until the devil came expecting she pays.

Essie looked kinda funny at the old horned demon,

told him "who do you think you are, some kind of He-Man?"

The devil just laughed and told her not to yell,

and Essie shouted at him "Go to Hell!"

He smiled a devilish grin,

and she knew then that she was full of his sin.

He then replied, "That's where I'm going for sure,

and so are you, it'll be a fine cure".

Essie screamed then, a loud piecing wail,

and the devil gave her a slap with his long pointy tail.

She kicked and fought as he grabbed her hair,

it was almost more than the poor girl could bear.

"Why do you fight me?" the devil asked.

Then he really started to take her to task.

"Where we're going isn't so bad,

in fact, just last week I took a young lad."

He pulled and said, "Come along now."

Then lectured her on being a cow.

Essie cried out "Why are you doing this? You know that I'll hate it!"

"Oh, no," said the devil, "you'll think it's the greatest!"