✝ Party on Parade

As the elections draw near, the first crop of Tea Party candidates are shaping up to be… well… pretty much what every clear-thinking American knew they would be: stupid. What is so surprising is the full spectrum of ignorance that the Tea Party is working with.

Where to begin… well Christine O’Donnell is a good place to start. You know lovable Christine: she’s not a witch, she’s you… if you believe masturbation is adultery and should be illegal. Christine is just a good Christian girl who reads her Bible, and apparently nothing else.

When asked what Supreme Court cases she objects to, she had this to say:



Notice how her opponent takes pity on her and tries to break the dead air by giving her an underhanded lob for her to swing at. How sporting of him.

Of course, this is the official position of the Tea Party, as seen by the identical response from their figurehead, Sarah Palin:



Okay, Christine O’Donnell can’t be bothered to know about what’s actually going on in our country. She’s clearly very busy making sure Americans are not jerking off, which is a tiring job since the internet came to town. What about her knowledge of the First Amendment, a straightforward and foundational part of our democracy? She is apparently clueless.

Is this the knowledge base necessary for being a Tea Party candidate for US Senate?

Let’s leave the loveable Christine alone for now, and move on to Carl Paladino. If you thought Christine was baffling, wait until you delve into this guy’s psyche.

First off, I won’t inundate you with a bunch of video to watch of this guy, if only because he’s not so easy on the eyes. In fact, he’s downright creepy. I’m going to keep a picture of him to show my future children when I explain to them not to take rides from strangers.

 

*shivers*

Like any Tea Partier, Paladino is a good Christian. He hates all the right things, especially those gays. He thinks gay pride parades have to go because they send the wrong message to children. He doesn’t want kids to “be brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid or successful option.”

Remember kids: if you’re gay, you chose to be that way, it’s not a valid option, and as long as Carl Paladino has anything to say about it, you won’t be successful.

Paladino is especially critical of gay pride parades: “And I don’t know if you’ve ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other. And it’s just a terrible thing.”

Thank the Lord Baby Jesus Christ on a cracker that Paladino is out there with O’Donnell protecting our children from the gays.

The strange part is, Paladino sends emails that contain porn to fellow politicians, friends, advisors, and supporters. Well, I’m sure it’s totally acceptable straight porn, right? Women fucking bananas, breast milk being squirted onto a window, wait a second… lesbians eating each other out? That isn’t right… holy shit, a horse fucking a woman!? Well… at least there’s no dudes in Speedos, that would have totally killed my boner.

But these are two candidates that won’t get elected. By most polls, their opponents have double digit leads. I mean honestly, you might as well criticize Alvin Greene, who you may remember from his break-out role in “The Green Mile.”

Wait, that was Michael Clarke Duncan? Oh, whatever… he does have a graphic novel.

Sharron Angle, Tea Party Candidate in Nevada, has a legitimate chance of deposing Democrat Harry Reid. And why not? Who likes Harry Reid? The guy said Barrack Obama might have a shot at getting elected because he has no “negro accent” and is “light-skinned.” Plus, he’s Senate Majority leader for the Democrats, during a time when the Democrats held a majority and did… well… basically nothing.

So how is Sharron Angle bolstering her numbers? Recently, she told an Hispanic student group that they looked Asian to her.

Now, this is in the context of demonizing Hispanics, so she was trying to be nice by saying, “Hey, Hispanics are ruining our country, but you guys look Asian to me, wink wink.” What a politically savvy strategy.

However, Sharron Angle will likely still beat Harry Reid, because she has divine mandate. When God wants something done, it happens. Just look at the Iraq War.

It’s strange, really, all this talk of God in the Tea Party. It almost seems like… there’s some sort of test of faith in order to get elected as a Tea Partier. Where have I heard that before… oh right, Article VI of the US constitution:

… no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.

How can a political party claiming to be in favor of bringing this country back to its Constitutional roots be so bloody ignorant of the Constitution?

I guess through God, all things are possible…