Thursday, May 27, 2010

If Saltines Were Freedom Crackers

Okay, so that whole "freedom fries" thing didn't fly (fry?) but somehow I like the name "freedom crackers". I was feeling a bit upset in the stomach as I left work yesterday, then I remembered my faithful package of old fashioned soda crackers (they originated in St. Louis and date to 1876, the U.S. centennial year). A more all-American (and patriotic) cracker you will not find (so again, "freedom crackers" they should be called).

I opened my stack of crackers and began eating them on the way home (though it is now illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving, it is still permitted by our ruling overlords to munch on crackers and even take your eyes off the road when you're reaching for one-but don't answer that phone, even with the speaker on!). My stomach felt better right away, but I didn't stop consuming the little baked squares upon achieving gastrointestinal relief; I continued to stuff my face, enjoying the pure cracker satisfaction and hunger-ending effect they had on me.

Then I had a thought. It went like this: Cracker-In-The-Box, McCrackers, Cracker King, Crackys, Kentucky Fried Crackers. I began to imagine a world where saltines were a brand new invention, and people added them to their orders in the fast food drive-thru lane. Maybe some people would only order crackers to eat on the way home, like they do with french fries now.

If crackers weren't available in boxes at every grocery store, would you pay more for them at your local Cracker King take-out? Would you crave them as you do those greasy fried potatoes?

Would you even start taking them to work?


  1. I seriously could not stop laughing because the whole time I kept thinking of "cracker" in terms of the racial slur.

  2. Yes, Ginx, that was my intention. Just call me the new king of laughter.

  3. Earlier this week my Arab friend joked that if he was a cracker he'd be a graham cracker. I responded that I would be a saltine.

  4. I'm the son of a rich guy, so that makes me a Ritz cracker.


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