Thursday, July 22, 2010

She Looked Mighty Happy Holding That Pizza Box!

As I came home last night, I almost ran into a fat woman. Now, it wasn't the first time, but I haven't recently had the experience while in my car. I'm always running in to fat women because, let's face it, they're hard to avoid, especially at Walmart (where I shop a lot) where they seem to make up the bulk of both employees and customers.

Anyway, there I was, going quite slow down the dark street, a street lined with apartment buildings, when what crosses in front of me is a large woman carrying a bottle of soda in one hand and an enormous pizza box in the other. She was obviously heading for home, moving as fast as she could under the circumstances. I surmised that she had just been to the combination liquor store and pizza take-out place across the street (it sits all by itself with no other retail establishments nearby, giving it a monopoly on the business of any apartment dwellers in the neighborhood who can't wait for a drink or a pizza).

She had a big smile on her face, I didn't wonder why. Pizza!

I've been craving a pizza myself these last few weeks, but I've not dared to get one. I don't want to get any fatter, you see. I keep hoping Ralph Kramden's no-cal pizza comes out, but no luck there yet. And that's really the pizza I need, because unless I've got a lot of other people sharing a pizza with me, I'll eat the whole damn thing myself. This is something I'm not able to do with any other food. I mean, a family size lasagna would be impossible for me to consume in a single sitting, but a large pizza with lots of toppings, no problem. I finish one slice and then go for another, and after that it's "just one more slice" until the pizza is gone. I've even been tempted to stop by Little Caesars for a Hot 'N Ready $5 pepperoni to take with me at the start of a road trip as a snack instead of stopping for a drive-thru burger. I imagine myself putting the box on the passenger seat next to me and grabbing slice after slice while I drive. It would actually be easier than trying to eat a hamburger while driving.

The thing about pizza is, it doesn't have to be that good for you to enjoy it. Even crappy pizza can taste pretty good. I even like frozen pizza, as bad as some of it is. And, unlike many other foods (a burger) that you can't eat cold, pizza is even great that way. I love going out to the refrigerator in the morning and finding a plate of cold pizza. Breakfast is served!

And on the subject of bad pizza, Domino's, as we all know, recently introduced their new and better pizza. But I never thought their old pizza was that awful. I used to buy the three mediums for $15, and they were okay, unless you got the thin crust, which did kind of taste like cardboard. Even then, it was edible.

Funny thing is, if their pizza was so horrible, why did it take 25 years or so for them to change it? Below is a 1986 Domino's commercial.

Quality comes first! Skillfully prepared ingredients! Taste the quality!

I've been on the wagon for a while now, and proud of myself, but I'm worried. Every time I pass a pizza place lately, I get the urge to go inside, and it's getting stronger as the days go by. If I do fall off the wagon, just push your way through the towering stacks of pizza boxes when you come see me. And don't worry; they might look dangerous, but they're only cardboard.

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