Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Live Blogging: State of the Union

I’ll be watching the speech on CNN, because they often have the best graphics at the bottom of the screen.

Ugh, John Boehner. I’m surprised he got through the intro without sobbing like a newborn.

Joe Biden… what can I say about the guy. He’s in a race with Rand Paul to see who has the worst solution to baldness.

This is the first update. After this, I will just keep addinave comments as they come to me.

My wife is complaining that Michelle Obama never wears pants since becoming the first lady.

Wolf Blitzer would be an amazing name for a Nazi Panzer division.

The pageantry of it all… they enter the capitol like boxers entering the ring. It’s a shame it isn’t actually as exciting as the sweet science, but it would be pretty messed up if we settled who would run the country by fisticuffs. Still, it would be funny to see Obama lay the smack down on the Tan Stallion, John “Leaky” Boehner.

I just finished my Bingo card, selected at near random. I’ll take a picture of it with what I’m drinking tonight (sorry Nikk, I forewent orange juice for Pepsi Throwback, made with real sugar).

I hate twitter, but I imagine this is a good time to have it. I bet I would just get a picture of a whale being lifted by birds if I tried to load the page tonight, though. Or maybe not, I won’t bother to find out. No need to get into it after it’s already jumped the shark.

Stop saying hello to everyone… we’re going to miss Tosh.0

Holy shit, he shaved! Things are looking up, people, some dude shaved his beard (three weeks ago… thanks for noticing… finally).

Ahh, the unelected life-termers in black. Justices… the ultimate oxymoron?

A Purple tie! That means he mixed blue and red! Oh the metaphors.

Damn, I should have had “Thank” on my bingo card.

Good start. “Way to kick my ass last November.” Solid.

He said pray! My offended atheist ears! AHHHHHH! IT BURNS!!!

But seriously though, don’t reform gun laws, just pray.

Debates? Fought Fiercely? Maybe on one side. Uh oh, he’s playing the rhetoric card… say it, I have rhetoric on my card.

Damnit, say bipartisanship!

So close.

The economy is growing… among the rich. It’s a wonderful time to be wealthy. Trust me.

Vague narrative for like 8 minutes, yawn.

Change can be painful… pain we can believe in.

Sure, China had the fastest computer… until they shipped it to the person who ordered it in America.

We do have the most patents, just look at the Snuggie. “Look, I turned a robe around, patent please!”

We are going to win the future… all your base are belong to us.

Hey, they mentioned us, he said “Internet.” Nice.

Facebook was just mentioned by the president. It’s officially dead.

Solar shingles… sounds like a skin condition.

Cars that run on sunlight and water??? Oh my god… it’s powered by rainbows, people!

Ending oil subsidies… glad I drive a fuel efficient car.

I missed that… did he say by 2035? How long is he staying in office?

Yeah, our kids are stupid and our self-esteem soars, but they just take after their parents.

He told me to turn the TV off… while watching him on TV, and he compared a science fair to the Super Bowl… maybe if he had said The Bachelor.

Race to the top… well why not, it certainly is an uphill climb.

I don’t have much snark when it comes to education. We need to dump boatloads more money than we do into it, and we certainly need to raise our expectations. I was a high achiever… me… seriously.

The furniture industry is dying? Did people stop sitting? Damn you, exercise movement.

Says my wife who is a college professor: “So stop cutting university funding so they freeze my salary.”

Immigration… boring wedge issue. Just invite them in, the more the merrier. How hard is that, just demand documentation and end quotas and waiting lists.

We got a D in transportation… well at least we don’t have to retake the class.

My wife just drank; high-speed rail.

Pat-down joke! Ha, it’s funny how we grope you idiots who want to move from point A to point B.

So, expect a bombing on a train in the next few years, since there’s no security and terrorists already ruined flying for us.

Oh my god, he reads my blog! He’s lowering our corporate tax, the highest in the world.

I think this is all talk… but wouldn’t it be nice?

My wife is muttering something about “Barackonomics.”

Yeah, getting businesses out of the business of all providing healthcare would be helpful.

It kills me that Republicans stay seated in opposition to preventing insurance companies from dropping sick people. How do these jackasses get elected?

Let’s fix what needs fixing indeed… could you be more vague, please, because I think some Republicans are still not on board.

We need to make tough decisions, but not if it would cut our military budget.

Painful cuts… I’m guessing paper, they’re “the worst.”

Wha-wha-what? Military budget cuts? Dost my ears deceive me?

Awkward pause after an awkward story.

Medical malpractice suits… yeah, that’s what the problem is, doctors being sued, not poor people declaring bankruptcy due to medical bills by the millions.

Good, fuck the rich. They can take care of themselves; they always do.

On CNN, they focused on Bernie Sanders while Obama talked about cutting tax breaks to the rich. And, like I called it on TC’s blog, Obama is going for a simplified tax code (after Republicans have routinely filled it with complexities which grant loopholes to the wealthy since Reagan).

We can’t win the future with a government of the past. This is so hilariously close to being brilliant.

Smoked salmon joke. That just about lox up the Jewish vote.

Consolidation of the federal government, nice. Here’s hoping. They should start by just dismantling the Office of Homeland Security.

I hate Boehner, but he’s less distracting than Nancy Pelosi’s jack-o-lantern face over Obama’s left shoulder (his left, of course, our right).

Oh right, we’re at war. I forget, when I’m not looking at our deficit.

Muslims are part of our American family. That's a shot at the Alabama Gov. who was like, “You aren’t my brother, you aren’t my sister” if you’re not Christian. Good, I wouldn’t want your genes, you inbred piece of Bama trash.

Foreign policy… more snoozefest. I’ll perk up if I hear “Palestine” or “Israel.”

Yeah, give it up for the men and women in uniform. You guys do the jobs no one with a conscience would ever do.

They’re black, white, Latino, Asian… we’ll take anyone who’s poor or patriotically misguided.

John Boehner swept his father’s bar… nepotism.

Boy, if you are playing the drinking game, you must have slurred speech by now. He is hitting all the classics on that list.

Working days at a time without sleep… this rescue made possible by meth.

My wife, “Whatever, you didn’t come from nothing, both of your parents had Ph.D’s.”

Oh no, my fucking atheist ears… get the god bless out of it… meh, I can’t even pretend to care.

Good speech everyone. I’ll be sticking around for the Republican rebuttal, though my wife put on Tosh.0, even though they replay it like 19 times during the following week.

Wow, Obama is signing autographs or something… or maybe they’re lobbyist checks. I dunno.

The President has left the building. Did they just say there’s a Republican response and a Tea Party response? What attention whores. How about a response from an actual liberal?

Paul Ryan… I hate him already. You can’t trust a white guy with two first names (just look at me).

Praying praying praying, god god god… conservatives make me vomit.

Healthcare entitlement? We’re not getting shit, bitch.

Healthcosts are going up because insurance companies were milking people just before the law went into effect. This fundamental failure to acknowledge what the healthcare bill does (and doesn’t) is mind-boggling.

The increase in our debt were largely due to the tax cuts that Republicans insisted upon, not to mention the wars started by Republicans (and which are inexplicably continued by Obama).

A Republican said safety net? Color me shocked.

It’s really creepy how the camera is very slowly zooming in. Oh my god… his eyes are so dreamy… are we going to kiss?

Well, that was unsurprising. Bathroom break… that Pepsi is running through me.

Okay, back in time for Michelle Bachman’s bat-shittery. I can’t wait. Tea Partiers are always a marvelous fountain of unending soundbytes. I wonder if maybe they would telecast a liberal movement… naw, not the conservative media.

The Tea Party show up late… why am I not surprised. I show up early for things, and I find that most people like me do as well, whereas these entitled jackass conservatives are usually the people who saunter in late, smelling of booze and axe body spray.

Man, this lady has charts.

Notice how the unemployment is decreasing…

That chart didn’t help your case, lady, because unemployment is decreasing despite the recession caused by conservative policy.

The world’s finest healthcare? Have you… even seen the numbers? Do you know what numbers are? Should I make a bar chart for you?

A healthcare policy from anywhere? I want what Massachusetts has.

You believe in exceptionalism in America? The creation of our country was a miracle? Who says we won’t see a miracle again? The Tea Party policy appears to be… it’s in the hands of God now.

She is so bad at trying to be charismatic. That was more awkward than some speeches I saw in student presentations… in middle school.

Fun times. I’m off to finish my popcorn, have a good night.


  1. There was once a gameshow called 'Reach for the Top' here in Montreal.

  2. I’ll be watching the speech on CNN

    I started watching on MSNBC, so I'll guess I'll see it through there.

  3. I don’t have much snark when it comes to education. We need to dump boatloads more money than we do into it, and we certainly need to raise our expectations.

    The education establishment in this country is crumbling, and good riddance. For the vast majority, brick and mortar schools will eventually disappear. And the last thing we need to do is pour more money down the educational rat hole. The public schools suck, and the propaganda that everyone should go on to college is no longer being swallowed whole by the public.

  4. The jobs which will remain here largely require a college degree, Nikk. Like it or not, higher education is more important than it was before every working class job started packing up and leaving.

  5. Damn. 22 of the 24.

    He didn't say'rhetoric' and 'unemployment' right?

  6. I didn't hear him say it. I missed on "financial." I thought he might have said it, but I wasn't sure, I was too busy insulting him.

  7. [I have rhetoric and unemployment also unmarked, but you're trusting in my distracted attention)

  8. Facebook was just mentioned by the president. It’s officially dead.

    If Facebook is the future of innovation in this country, we're in worse shape than even I thought or than Gerald Celente could imagine.

  9. This post got some good traffic tonight, including under a search for "anarchist critique of Obama's state of the union" Ha ha ha!

    Too bad we didn't some comments from all those other folks checking in tonight.

  10. I'm going off to take a nice, long, hot bath, to help wash away the residue of Obomba's speech and the worship of the state the whole awful spectacle celebrated.

  11. I know I must have lost my audience when I talked about education, but can't we agree that we are better off education the population than we are bombing Muslims?

  12. Glad we got traffic. This was a fun little stunt.

  13. 419 followers and one of your three commenters was Canadian?


  14. Getting Americans to do anything is tough. I'm shocked we had so many read it. Who knew so many Americans could read?

  15. I had it on in the background while I waxed my carrot. No, really. I had a tub of Turtle Wax and a Porcelain carrot that I keep waxed so calcium deposits can't settle on it in the shower. I don't think I ever saw those military guys with all the awards and medals clap... or blink.


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