Sunday, February 26, 2012

Pre-Pre-Primary Analysis

In case you’re wondering about the name, I plan to do another post on the Republican race on Monday, before Tuesday’s primaries in Arizona and Michigan. I wanted to discuss something that I think would bog down my Monday post: the speculation regarding a brokered convention.

I’m not an expert on how the Republican convention system works, but from my understanding, the basic idea is that if it seems like the Republican voters either cannot reach consensus or appear fed up with their options, it’s a possibility that someone who didn’t even run may be elected by the delegates. Delegates have to vote according to their state’s rules in a first round of voting, but if a winner fails to emerge, they can vote for anyone.

I don’t think this will happen; such a candidate will not have been nationally vetted and there would undoubtedly be a feeling of betrayal among some Republicans, that the wishes of the voters could be so blatantly sidestepped by Republican bureaucrats. Still, I thought I would catalogue the possible candidates who didn’t run this year, since SE needs some posts and there’s nothing quite as fun as speculating when I am already confident it won’t happen. It’s like arguing who would win in a fight, Captain Kirk or Captain Picard? [Picard]

Chris Christie is the name I see most often floated around. Frankly, I question anyone who was raised by someone so dumb that they would name their son “Chris Christie.” My wife (who is from New Jersey) has joked that “perhaps he married into it.” Personally, I think he should go by Fat Fattie.

Another governor frequently cited is Mitch Daniels of Indiana, my home state. I think his epic comb-over makes him a crowd favorite among typical Republicans. In all seriousness, he has stayed out of national politics because he sees himself as “too moderate” in comparison to the current crop of candidates. And yet, he’s fought to end funding for Planned Parenthood, he’s fought unions, and he’s fought immigration… but I guess he doesn’t want to ban condoms and porn, so that disqualifies him in the current election.

Jeb Bush is another name being thrown around by some (I’m guessing by Jeb Bush). You know… because America is itching for another Bush presidency.

Sarah Palin is perhaps the most vocally open to seeking a brokered nomination. Is anyone surprised that she, of all people, would be thrilled to have the presidential nomination just fall in her lap? That seems to be how she goes through life: winking and waiting for people to hand her things. She couldn’t even be bothered to finish out her governorship because it was more lucrative to abandon her duty and become a political pundit.

Perhaps the most unusual suggestion I have seen was this article, which suggested Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. I’m guessing the idea here is that he’s black, therefore he’ll be able to beat Obama. His political leanings appear to be little different from Romney, Santorum or Gingrich. Really, he’s like Herman Cain, only his extra-marital affairs are old news.

If we’re just throwing any old name out there, I want to suggest a few: Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. If you’re going for a black candidate, Thomas has no executive experience. I think both Colin and Condi are better qualified and have more relevant experience than Thomas.

Other options I could come up with:

Tom Selleck: Few are aware that this TV icon is the politically active successor as public spokesman for the NRA, taking over after Charlton Heston’s health began failing. He is registered as an independent and describes himself as a libertarian… which means he’s probably most similar to Ron Paul, only he doesn’t seem to have a screw loose.

Ben Stein: Bueller? Bueller? Ben Stein didn’t just take on all comers in a trivia game show where you could win his money, he was also a Nixon speech writer. He is still quite politically active these days, and he even released a stupid movie attacking evolution a few years back, so he seems like the perfect Republican candidate.

Alice Cooper: Ever since I started listening to his syndicated radio show, I’ve become aware of how religious Cooper is. He apparently became a born-again-Christian to get off the drugs and alcohol, a la George W. Bush (a guy he vocally supported). Plus, he hates politics, and I don’t know what else would make you more qualified to be a Republican these days than that quality.

Chuck Norris: Do I really need to explain the appeal here? Just think of the hilarious campaign slogans… “Chuck Norris doesn’t run for president, the president runs from him.”

Mel Gibson: In a year where the candidates don’t care who they offend, Mel is a natural choice. Get a little liquor in him, and he’ll have Republican crowds cheering at his debates with Obama.

Who is your dream Republican nominee?

1 comment:

  1. It’s like arguing who would win in a fight, Captain Kirk or Captain Picard? [Picard]

    A fist fight or a battle of wits? Certainly Picard would be superior in a contest that relied on intellect and reasoning skills, but in a physical battle with fists flying, Kirk would kick his ass several times over.


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