Just Some Stuff 11

via The Commentator, where he asks the question Are The Beach Boys the greatest American rock band ever? His other nominees are The Velvet Underground, The Doors, and The Eagles.



Nothing Else To Do

What else is there to do on a Sunday afternoon when you're at work and it's very, very sloooooow, but send and receive old emails to and from your slacker co-workers? Well, last Sunday it was that slow.



The Case of the Pregnant Lady





A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to

the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'




Memorable excuses for calling out sick

* Employee didn’t want to lose the parking space in front of his house.
* Employee hit a turkey while riding a bike.
* Employee said he had a heart attack early that morning, but that he was “all better now.”
* Employee donated too much blood.
* Employee’s dog was stressed out after a family reunion.
* Employee was kicked by a deer.
* Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party and suggested the company post some sort of notice to warn others who may have kissed him.
* Employee swallowed too much mouthwash.
* Employee’s wife burned all his clothes and he had nothing to wear to work.
* Employee’s toe was injured when a soda can fell out of the refrigerator.
* Employee was up all night because the police were investigating the death of someone discovered behind her house.
* Employee’s psychic told her to stay home.

• Employee said he was crabby and it wouldn’t be good for business
• Employee got whiplash from brushing her hair
• Employee said her psychic told her to stay home or something awful would happen to her
• Employee said he wasn’t feeling well and wanted to rest up for the company’s holiday party that night
• Employee said her chickens’ feet were frozen to the driveway
• At her sister’s wedding, the employee chipped her tooth on a Mint Julep, bent over to spit it out, hit her head on a keg and was knocked unconscious with a mild concussion
• Employee claimed to have met a movie star and was spending the day with him
• Employee was injured while getting a haircut
• Employee tasted some dog food because the dog was not feeling well and now the employee is sick
• Employee’s roommate locked all his clothes in a shed for spite
• A groundhog bit the employee’s car tire, causing it to go flat
• Employee had been up all night because their favorite “American Idol” contestant was voted off.

Of course, just as often as calling out when you're not really sick (although I think "sick of going to work and being bossed about by ignorant assholes" is a good enough reason any day of the week) is going in when you are sick because you're afraid of losing your job. Not that long ago I had a short conversation with a co-worker who was obviously not feeling well. She didn't call out sick because even if you still have a few of your measly allotment of sick days left, if you take too many in a short period of time (even over a span of say, six months) you'll get a verbal or written warning about your attendance. Unless you have a doctor's note each freaking time you're under the weather, but let's face it, when you have a bad cold do you really feel like getting up and going to some waiting room where you'll wait forever and then finally see the quack physician for all of three and a half minutes? Most of the things that make us too ill for work cure themselves in at most a few days. The body is remarkable at healing itself if left alone and given plenty of rest. But tell that to the tyrants managers at your wage slave prison place of employment and see how far it gets you.






Allen Ginsberg and Paul McCartney: The Ballad Of The Skeletons





E.T.'s of the Galaxy, Unite! Help Stamp Out People!