KEEP OUT! That's how I wanted to begin this post, but I've changed my mind. Have you ever been holding the correct amount of change in your hand, just waiting to satisfy your Pepsi craving, and then were told, "Get outta here! Ain't gonna be no Pepsi for you today, not no how not no way! Pepsi? Hahahahahahahaha!"
No? Well, that's how it went down at work the other day, though I'll admit, I changed a few things for dramatic effect. What really happened? Wouldn't you like to know! Oh wait, this is a blog, I'm supposed to tell you. All right...
So there I was at my desk, just minding my own beeswax, when I see an email from the building manager. It read in the subject line "Stay out of the kitchen".
Well, okay, I realize most of us who work in this building are disgusting pigs, but really, telling us to stay out of the kitchen (break room)! It's an outrage! I read further. "There are bees in the kitchen, pest control is on the way. We have been asked to stay away from the area for the rest of the day. Sorry for the inconvenience."
Sorry for the inconvenience! What about my goddamn soda? My cold Pepsi with High Fructose Death Syrup that's waiting invitingly for me in the soda machine, that I can't get to unless I don't stay away from the "area"? Hmmm?
Turns out the bees were discovered by a hero in our very department, a young woman (does that make her a heroine?) who innocently went in to make some hot cocoa (hot cocoa sounds so innocent, doesn't it?) and found bees flying around. She took action on her own, grabbing some window cleaner and spraying it at the stinging winged fiends, but to no effect. That's when the building manager was informed of the dire situation.
Then Anthony Joe walked in. He hadn't seen the bee email. "Bees!" he shouted. "What! Where did they come from? I'm staying out of there! I don't like bees! Ever since I was a kid and some bees attacked and stung me and I had to go to the hospital, I've been very afraid of bees!"
"What happened?" I asked. "Why did the bees attack you? Were they those killer bees?"
"No," Anthony Joe replied. "I was just standing there throwing rocks at their bee hive."
Then I asked Anthony Joe if he was allergic to bees.
"I hope not! I don't think so! But some people are so allergic they can go to the hospital and die too!"
The I launched into my own bee stories, which weren't much in the interesting or entertaining department, but that's never stopped me before.
All of these incidents happened during my childhood. One day, around the pool in our backyard, I was shooting a water pistol (squirt guns, we called them) at my sister and her friend, making their relaxing little pool party as miserable as I could, when suddenly, I stepped on a bee! I was stung! Oh, god the pain! I dropped my gun and fell to my knees, quite sure it was a conspiracy on the part of my sister and her diabolical companion. I could hear them laughing in delighted glee through the intense agony my poor foot was experiencing.
Another time we were running barefoot through some grass near a local beach, heading for the water and the sand, when I again stepped on a bee! It was becoming a bad habit, as that second incident happened during the same week as the pool episode, and wouldn't you know it, both my sister and her friend were there, again. My conspiracy theory doesn't look so crazy now, does it, doubter?
The third time I was stung, it was at my friend's house. We were in the backyard playing with those little green plastic army men, when I felt something crawling up the inside of my shirt. I panicked and was soon on the ground, screaming for help, as I looked and saw a bee head poke its way out and stop right on my throat. My friend ran to get his mother.
She came out Mrs. Cleaver style in an apron. She took one look at me and said, "Oh, it's just a bee, stay calm." Just a bee! Did the insane woman have any idea what the hell she was talking about! She leaned over to "help" me and the bee attacked. I was stung again!
Now, luckily, I wasn't allergic to bee stings, but are you? Apparently it's possible to have no idea you're super allergic to bees. There was a sad incident in California the other day.
Friends said Hendricks' hobby was beekeeping and he did not know he was allergic. They said Hendricks would go to areas that had an infestation and attempt to relocate bees without killing them.-Youth Pastor Dies From Bee Sting
This is what happens when you attempt to adopt the philosophy of "liberal" environmentalist do-gooders and try and help some menacing pest instead of stomping them out of existence. They attack and kill you! The young man died in the hospital eight days after being stung. He was a "youth pastor" at his church, so I guess God just needed him in heaven for some reason and decided to take him away from his wife and two month old daughter, which does, however, bring up some disturbing questions about God's commitment to family values.
"He had a heart for bees," Forness said. “He thought bees were under threat, and he found it soothing to be around them.”
Yes, there's nothing more soothing than heading to the light and embracing Jesus and your eternal reward.
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