Sunday, December 12, 2010

Going Nowhere Fast

Sometimes it seems like we can’t make any progress in America, and I think I’ve identified the problem: treadmills.

Has there ever been a more useless piece of thousand dollar rubbish? For most people, it will just be the most expensive clothing rack they ever bought, but for those foolish enough to actually use them, treadmills are downright dangerous.

I personally had a traumatic experience with my parents’ treadmill. While running on it at full speed, I tripped and was thrown backwards into a chest of drawers just a foot behind it at high speed. The belt of the treadmill continued rotating for a few second, rubbing off a few the skin on both my shins. The worst part? No one was recording it.

Luckily, YouTube has plenty of other examples of treadmill-related injuries for your (strictly educational) viewing:

If this next girl who falls is “fat,” as the title claims, then I’m morbidly obese. Yet another problem caused by treadmills: the epidemic of people who are too skinny to understand that a real American can’t see their feet when they look straight down. Anyone else is an anorexic bulimic who should be force-fed Twinkies.

Even otherwise athletically inclined “niggers” (quoting from the video, I swear) can’t seem to get the hang of it:

Clearly we need to make these death-machines illegal. For one thing, they serve no purpose. If you want to run, go the fuck outside and do it.

“But I want to watch Fox News while I’m running!”

Just sniff glue while humming the Star Spangled Banner as you run, same basic effect.

“But… we need it for artistic purposes.”

Okay, now you have my attention. I’ll tell you what, if cats are cool with them, I’ll reconsider it.

Hmm… fine, for the sake of the kitties, treadmills can stay. However, humans should leave treadmills to the professionals:


  1. I say we lobby for legislation declaring treadmill manufacturers terrorist organizations!

  2. Just say no to running in place. Damn endorphin addicts...

  3. Oh, and remember: Nordic Trak is a gateway exercise.


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