Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dear Mr. Skeptical (episode 18)

Dear Mr. Skeptical,

it has been told to me by someone who has been on the inside of the Skeptical Eye operation (I won't say who exactly) that the whole thing is one big lie. That in fact there is no "Mr. Skeptical" and that this "Jakson" (fake name if ever I saw one!) fellow is the true author of your ridiculous "column".

Please come clean "Mr. Skeptical" and tell us all the truth for once!


Jason T.

Dear "Mr. T"

The truth can be much more complicated than your sadly lacking imagination seems able to conjure. First, Mr. Skeptical is quite real, having immigrated to America is search of a better life, and realizing his lifelong dream of writing a column for an obscure blog that almost no one reads, he finally succumbed to an overwhelming sense of despair once he realized his fate. To "come clean" as you suggest, will be hard for someone currently covered under a pile of dirt, for you see, "Jason", I speak from the grave!

That's right, Mr. Skeptical is dead. So, in a sense, you are correct (but just barely) that someone else "writes" the Mr. Skeptical series, though it is not Nikk Jakson (I will be honest and tell you that Jakson is an incompetent fool, incapable of writing anything remotely approaching the originality, complexity, and intelligence of the real genius here at SE, Mr. Bret Alan. Why do you think Nikk mostly posts links and videos? He's a worn out, talentless hack, that's why!) but in fact, Mr. Skeptical left so many notes and responses for almost every possible question he might be asked (he obviously was preparing us for his departure from this world) that we can continue this feature for many years to come. So, indeed, someone else is doing the writing in a sense, but it still comes right from the great mind of our dear colleague, Mr. Skeptical.

As for the "insider" you speak of, don't worry, you won't hear from them again.

Dear Septical,

Why did farts evolve?


Stinky Jones

Dear stinky,

As an expert on human waste, Mr. Skeptical thought it best if I answer your question, especially as it was addressed to me, Herman T. "Septic" Septical.

Farts did not evolve (stop believing the lies of Richard Dawkins! Half a fart is still useful my ass!), they were created by God for your relief and enjoyment. What a wonderful and amazing God we worship!

Happy farting!

Dear Mr. Skeptical,

I heard a rumor you were dead. Is this true? I heard another rumor that you are still alive and living in Argentina? What gives?


I Believe!

Dear Believe it or Not,

Yes, I'm "dead" and also living in South America, with my dear neighbors, Adolf and Jack. Jack amuses us with stories of his "assassination" in Dallas, while old Adolf still jokes about his "suicide" in his Berlin bunker.

As for rumors, you obviously are too ready to believe them, and I must warn you, if you continue down that dangerous path, the consequences, not only for yourself, but for the whole world, will be serious. Rumors become "fact" when believed in by enough people, but with other, contradictory rumors out there, that means that I could be both dead and living at the same time, an impossibility! What would happen if two contradictory things were both true at the same time?

Why, logic, reason, the very structure of the universe itself would implode and matter and energy disappear, leaving behind nothi

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