Saturday, December 24, 2011

Dear Mr Skeptical (episode 19)

Mr Skeptical,

I have a question...thank you!

Why did my grandma get run over by a reindeer?


I Club Baby Deer

Deer Baby,

Your Grandma was a menace to us all! Why did it happen, you ask? BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT! She probably had a sign on her that said, "Please run me over, Mr. Reindeer". I've known these crazy, suicidal so-called "grandmas" all my life, with their short, gray, man-like, unfeminine haircuts and masculine ways. They get depressed around the holidays because they know they no longer look like women and that most people can't distinguish them from men. So, what do they do? They go out where they know Santa's reindeer run and stand right in the way of oncoming traffic, hoping it's not a car but a reindeer, and sometimes causing massive accidents right at Christmas and causing untold heartache to innocent, non-grandmas. Oh, your grandma wanted it, all right. And you have the audacity to blame a poor reindeer? Disgraceful!

Dear Mr. Skeptical

They said you were dead and that you left extensive notes for future answers to reader's questions. How can this be? What kind of notes and responses are we talking here? How can they have material for all these answers to new questions?


Inquiring Mind Wants to Know!

Dear Mind Your Own Beeswax,

I left Nikk a copy of a good unabridged dictionary and labeled it "Mr. Skeptical's notes for future columns". Believe me, it contains within its pages the answers to all your questions.

Dear Mr Skeptic

Do you celebrate Christmas? I ask because right now you have a crazy Christmas header (looks like a madman designed it, by the way - do you have insane people working for your blog?) and I thought this blog and you were atheists


Concerned for Atheist Purity

Dear Purity,

What a lovely name you have! Doing anything tonight? It's Christmas Eve and I can keep you warm and cozy. I also have a great big, long present I like to give you.

As to your question, it depends what you mean by celebrate. I don't celebrate anything. I know that some foolish atheists, however, actually believe Christian propaganda that December 25 is Jesus birthday. How stupid! It's really the day when we "celebrate" a retail buying frenzy that helps merchants and creates massive household debt. I, unfortunately, many years ago, became dazzled by the colorful lights of the season, and have devoted myself each and every year to creating fabulous light displays that awe and amaze broke, up to their eyebrows in credit card debt, losers. The pièce de résistance of the whole thing is a lighted Nativity display with yours truly as the baby Jesus. Because of my adult size, perhaps you wonder how it is I manage to play a baby. Easy, I get giant sumo wrestlers from Japan to play Joesph, Mary and the wise men.

Merry Christmas!

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