Reminds me of my many, many beach Christmases from years past. How we frolicked in the sun and built Santa and his sled out of sand. One year, I was on the beach in my trunks and a Santa hat. I was watching some hot babes play volleyball when suddenly some jackass kicked sand in my face and walked off with my girl. I got mad, but with my skinny build I couldn't do anything about the situation. Then, from out of nowhere, an elf appeared at my side. I figured it was just a dwarf dressed like an elf for the holiday, but he gave my a Santa Claus comic book and advised I read an advertisement on the inside front cover, which I proceeded to do.
Tired of having sand thrown in your face while sitting on the beach, you sick little weakling? Well, get big and fat like Santa and no one will push you around again (because it will take a forklift to move you). Santa was tired of being the skinny guy so he started eating until he was as big as a house, and now, when he goes to the beach, no one dares challenge him! Get fat by following the method Santa used! Send $4.95 to Santa at the North Pole and he'll send you his Secret to Fatty Dominance of the Beach booklet.
Stop being pushed around by muscle bound freaks! Get fat now!
Well, I sent for the info, and boy did I get fat fast. Every day at the beach I had a pile of food and added beach snack bar fare like hot dogs and ice cream. In almost no time I was looking like a beached whale! The muscle boys didn't kick sand in my face anymore! Now it was time to get the girl back. I went to where the jerk was stretched out on his beach towel, the girl next to him and feeding him grapes. I kicked sand in his face and when he could see again he ran like a scared rabbit! I grabbed the girl but she spit in my face and called me fatso. I dropped her like a hot potato and went off alone to sulk and drown my sorrows in beach Twinkies.