Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Don't Bring Me Muffins Anymore

"I brought muffins!"

Oh, the siren call! How can you turn down a muffin? Have you ever successfully done so? What if you find yourself staring at multiple varieties; chocolate chip, blueberry, banana nut and the unknown (because I can't remember what that fourth kind was)? Could you stand it for long? How long, I ask, could you hold out?

I had begun the day with one of those weight-loss shakes, the 200 calorie curb your hunger for 5 or 6 hours kind. It was going to be my only meal until lunch, when I would dine upon nothing but one apple. My apple sat on my desk, looking back at me with pure red goodness. Not only would I have just that apple, but I would bite into it and consume it while walking, a lunch time stroll up the nearby hillside. I was determined this time, and on my way to pound-shedding success. I could feel it!

Then someone brought those muffins to work. The back table is right behind my new desk by the window, and for twenty minutes the muffins sat there, while I watched my co-workers, their fat asses barely contained by their pants, line up to add even more meat to their already grotesquely obese bodies. But I wasn't like them, no, not anymore!

Their exclamations of muffin madness assaulted my ears, but failed to entice me to join them in the folly of muffin intemperance.

"These are really good muffins!"

"I love blueberry muffins"

"Wow! Chocolate chip? My favorite!"

"Thanks for the muffins! I can never get enough of anything banana nut."

Then the someone who'd brought the cursed demon-cakes approached me. "Have you had a muffin yet?" she asked.

Those sad eyes and that sweet expression of concern over my lack of muffin nourishment were too much for me. I rolled my chair back to the muffin table and greedily grabbed the largest chocolate chip muffin I could lay my hands on. 45 seconds later it was gone, and I stared down at the crumbs my gluttony had left behind. The guilt was overwhelming, but I vowed then and there to resist all such temptations in the future. That would be my very last muffin! (and I wasn't just talking for the day, either; that was my last muffin for life).

As the day wore on and lunch approached, my throat began to feel sore. I'd left my cough drops in the car, and I was getting desperate for something to sooth my throat. I looked back at the remaining muffins. I was thinking maybe a really soft muffin would do my throat good. I slowly eased myself over to the muffin display, and to my delight I noticed that the blueberry ones were extremely moist looking and had sugar crystals on top. In fact, the sugar had melted a bit at the very top of the muffins. Didn't melted sugar have sore throat curing properties? I took one quickly and scarfed it down within the confines of my cubicle, keeping my head low while I let the sweet blueberry flavored moistness slide down my troubled throat.

Then I heard the one who'd brought the muffins say "I brought muffins instead of doughnuts because I think they're better than doughnuts. They're healthier for you."

When lunched arrived I looked forlornly at my apple. Then I got in my car and went to the Mexican take-out place nearby for a giant bean and cheese burrito (the soft beans and cheese would be good for my sore throat, I figured) and then added a couple of beef tacos for good measure. Why not? My diet plans for the day were shot to hell anyway.

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