Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sunday Food: No Fun Without The Bun

-Hey, Mr. Hot Dog, what are you doing?

-I'm heating up for a quick protein meal!

-Wow! But where's the bun?

-Bun? I don't need no stinkin' bun. I'm Fun!

-Mr. Hot Dog, I've got to be honest with you, people think you're boring when you're alone.


-That's right. Without a bun and some help from Mustard Man, Ms. Relish and maybe on some days Crazy Onion (who really knows how to get a party started) you're just plain dull!

-I'm going back into the package with the other wieners...

-Too late; you're chicken and pork is cooked!

So they're having this weight loss contest at work (a couple of the peons came up with the idea) and no, I was not the inspiration for this competition. So far only a few have signed up for it. There's to be a pool of money with the person who loses the most weight as a percentage of their current humongous bulk taking the jackpot.

I'm not going to participate because I can't afford to, and besides, I've got my own diet that I've been working on the past few years. It works so well that I only gain a few pounds each month. I'd hate to think what I'd look like without my radical diet controlling my eating habits.

So, due to the lack of initial support, the instigators of this plan went looking for victims, approaching one of our more jolly co-workers. He was extremely reluctant to join in, stating that he can never get below 200 lbs, even when he goes on an all-protein diet.

"And it's hard just eating hot dogs all day," he told them.

"Yeah," replied one of the recruiters, "a hot dog is no fun without a bun or anything. That's boring!"

This seems to be a common theme, that it can't be boring. But wasn't it all that exciting, non-boring food that got you so damn fat to begin with?

Let's face it, food has become the drug of choice in our overweight land. Whenever our empty, pointless lives become too much to deal with, we stuff our pie holes, and that's pretty much constantly.

Even the older generation has succumbed to our junk food saturated culture. My dad for years would buy things like Pop Tarts (even though he generally ate healthy most of the time) because he said he had to have a "little fun" in his life. My mom still eats every couple of hours, making herself "snacks" which mostly fall into the chip, candy and pastry food group.

One time we were all on some kind of joyriding outing and my mom suggested we stop at Taco Bell as we were heading home. My sister replied, "Why don't we just go by the store and get some stuff to make our own tacos?"

All the joy went out of Mom's face at that moment and she looked completely dejected. "That's no fun," she finally managed to say.

"I'll make them," my sister reassured her.

"It's not the same as Taco Bell," Mom answered, still looking forlorn.

It does always seem more exciting to stop by the drive-thru and order a bag of hot crap to take home than it does to prepare something from the ingredients in the refrigerator.

Personally, I enjoy hot dogs unadorned. I recently stocked up at a store where they had the Oscar Meyers on sale for under a dollar. I often eat them as a low-carb snack, and even heat a couple up for breakfast in the morning before work. Even plain they're quite good, but I usually add a little mustard.

This is not to say that even I wouldn't enjoy them more with buns, but I don't want to consume all the extra carbohydrates and calories. Though I did recently discover Oroweat's Sandwich Thins "Fill 'Ems" (a somehow appropriate name for something you can stuff a wiener into):

They are similar to the regular round 100 calorie Sandwich Thins, only more hot dog shaped. They are also whole grain (100% whole wheat) so they're better for you, and with far fewer calories than an ordinary hot dog bun, they're a damn good alternative!

So, no joking around, get yourself a couple of wieners and enjoy yourself. After all, what else have you got to live for?

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