Monday, January 9, 2012

Swiftfoxmark2’s Guide to Online Political Debates

So, you want to engage in political debates on the Internet now that you have finally figured out that people have different opinions.  But you are not sure as to how to do it properly without looking like a fool.  Do not worry, as an experienced veteran of online debates in various formats, I am here to help:

  • Always keep in mind that your opinion is the valid one and that the opinions of others are irrelevant, even if they agree with you.  By and large, everyone on the Internet is dumber than you are because unlike those basement-dwelling twenty-something moochers who still live with their parents, you have a life outside of the Internet.  Unless, of course, you are basement-dwelling twenty-something moocher, in which case, your opinion on, say Christianity, is only valid on the YouTube comments section for a Christian-oriented video.  Otherwise, your opinion is the only one that counts on whatever format you are on.
  • Do not be afraid to resort to insults early on.  Insulting the offending poster is probably the best thing you can do to win the argument.  If you are dealing with a sane, reasonable poster, the typical response to whatever insult you can come up with will be a statement that you have lost the debate because you are no longer relying on facts.  Do not fret over such trivial matters since your opinion is the absolute truth and his opinion is a lie.  The poster obviously has no need of the logic or sanity that you bring to the table, so there is no need to make any fact-based research or logical claims to back up your assertions.  Besides, if your opinion is the God-honest truth, then there is no need to back it up because you are God after all.
  • If a poster pesters you for information to back up your claims, insult them and deflect attention away from whatever it is you are talking about.  For example, if you call a politician a racist and someone else demands that you prove your assertion, you simply that state that because some other person is a racist and he/she shook hands with said politician, that makes the politician a racist.  Follow up by calling that person a loony, cultist, or ignoramus.  Then point out that this person probably lives in his mother’s basement and does not have a job.
  • When insulting someone, sometimes it is necessary to use ALL CAPS.  Be careful with this technique as you can be banned by the moderators of whatever site you are on.
  • If you are banned from a forum or a blog for your comments, keep in mind that the blog or forum is probably also run by basement-dwelling twenty-something moochers who wet the bed.  Getting banned from their debate forum should be considered a badge of honor.
  • If you find a forum where the moderators share the same opinions as you do, be sure to kiss up to them.  This will allow you to insult other posters without having to worry about banning.  Pretend to care about their lives.  For example, if you are on a Christian forum, tell them that you are praying for them even if you don’t believe in God.
  • Lying is always acceptable and recommended, even if you are morally opposed to it.  The truth is, because most posters have short attention spans and they are generally idiots, they more than likely will not notice when you lie.  Be careful, though, to space your “inconsistencies” out enough because even idiots can see a lie if you say it within the last 5 posts or so.  And remember, if you are caught in a lie, you merely need to state that you were just a little inconsistent and then proceed to call that poster a troll.
  • If you find yourself dealing with someone who is smarter than you, then you are dealing with a devious liar.  The truth is, nobody is smarter than you as your opinions are sacred and theirs are an abomination.  However, you must be careful with them because the more intelligent they are, the more likely they can trounce you any debate.  Your best bet is to constantly antagonize and insult them, even on things that are largely irrelevant to the topic of debate.
  • If you have to post references to back up your claims, make sure they do not notice the source or it is a source that they won’t bother to check.  This is because the sources for your opinions will be either your own blog or someone else’s blog with whom you closely agree.  Do not use Wikipedia, as that is a corruptible source, but stick to reliable blogs.
  • If a poster really ticks you off, follow them around on the Internet and harass them.  Always exaggerate their claims to make them look like they are the kooks that you know that they are.  If, for example, you support the police and they post an article about police misconduct, then always point out that they hate the police.  That way, they will have to go on the defense.

Now that you are ready for online political debate, feel free to find a forum, blog, or social networking site to debate on.  Do not forget to always find things that you disagree with and attack them.  Don’t bother posting anything of substance or relevance because your ideas are the same ideas that have been embedded into the human mind and thus need no explanation.  You primary purpose is to ensure that the people who do not know this are told that they are hacks, kooks, and freaks by you and other like-minded posters.

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