Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My Internal Republican

I see Republicanism less as a political view as an attitude. Republicans have no real policies anymore, they simply take their cues from Democrats by opposing whatever they perceive the left to support.

Just as an example, before America got involved in Libya, Newt Gingrich criticized Obama for not intervening and fighting for democracy in the embattled nation. Then, when Obama went into Libya, Newt and all those on the right who supported such actions flip-flopped.

Ultimately, Republicans are just pseudo-cynical contrarians who rely exclusively on grade-school insult tactics in order to cater to the lowest common denominator. Just to illustrate my point, I’ll write the rest of this post in Republican voice.

I notice that elitist tanning enthusiast John Boehner is determined to pin the default of the nation on the first black president. And what is with his name? It’s not pronounced “Bainer.” Here in America, it’s pronounced Boner, and that’s just what he’s turned this whole debt ceiling fiasco into.

In fact, what is with Republicans and their stupid names? You got all these Micks in the Republican party: John McCain, Mitch McConnell… who let these dirty, uneducated, disease ridden Irish scumbags into this country? Stay in your own yard, you drunk bastards.

Speaking of bastards. that hag Sarah Palin can’t seem to take the time from spreading her whore legs to find decent, American names for her kids. Track, Piper, Trig… what is she so busy doing that she couldn’t be bothered to properly name her children? Certainly not being governor, a post she resigned in disgrace after being embroiled in scandals and losing the 2008 election. She definitely wasn’t too busy instructing her own children about abstinence or birth control, or she wouldn’t have raised two kids who entered into shotgun marriages.

Speaking of kids, Glenn Beck is trying desperately to remind us he’s still around after getting his ass booted out of the conservative mainstream media. He accused the Norwegian Labour Party of running a “Hitler Youth”-like group, despite the fact that Beck is associated with the 9/12 project which runs a Patriot Camp for kids in grades 1-5 and the “Vacation Liberty School” held by the Kentucky chapter of his organization. But we shouldn’t be surprised, because you have to be downright stark-raving mad to get kicked off a conservative mouthpiece like Fox News.

I would criticize more about what the Republicans are doing, but they don’t do anything. They just sit around bitching, getting nothing done. What policy is there to debate? Oh right, just the debt ceiling, because Republicans won’t let us move beyond that, despite Bush raising it 7 times without incident.

The current Republican line is, “We won’t actually default on August 2nd.” We’re being assured that the debt is the first thing paid off, that we’ll be fine…

This argument kind of sounds like a drug addict who is running out of money assuring themselves they’ll at least be able to buy more drugs come payday, even if they can’t pay their actual bills. Sure, the power and gas might get shut off next month, but at least we’ll be high, right? We’ll just tell them the check’s in the mail, everything will be fine.

Except it’s not fine, because Republicans have hijacked this country and they’re looking to crash it into the nearest building. They are hoping that when that happens, everyone is going to blame the dark-skinned, possibly Muslim guy.

Ah, Republicans… stay classy.

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