Sunday, July 24, 2011

Dear Mr. Nikk

Dear Nikk,

Is there a reason the grass is green? The sky blue? The house across the street a dreadful, godawful purple?


Color Commentor

Dear Color,

It's MISTER Nikk! Who the hell do you think you are, using my first name which is reserved for close friends like my very good friend Mr. Skeptical? I'm not even going to dignify your questions with a response.

Oh, and I'm sending your neighbor some fresh cans of purple paint. Wouldn't want your street to start looking shabby.

Dear Mr. Nikk

Last week you wrote you're a woman? Is that really true? Do like flowers as gifts and boxes of candy? Do you wear dresses sometimes? How about lipstick or false eyelashes? Makeup? A wig? Do you paint your nails? Just wondering if we can get a claer answer to those type of questions, cause then I could figure it out easier?

Your friend,


Dear Toby,

How dare you! Friend? I don't even know you, you presumptuous idiot! I'm not even going to dignify your questions with a response, fool!

However, for others interested in the truth, yes, I do enjoy giving flowers as gifts, especially when I've taken them from mean Mrs. Miller's yard. Free flowers, all right! Boxes of candy? No, I mostly eat M&Ms out of a tube. Wig? Only when I wear my rainbow wig at the annual children's hospital benefit where I preform my clown routine. Dress up? Oh yes, on occasion, like when I go out looking for fools I can beat to a pulp after they've falsely called me their friend. Lipstick? My lips are naturally red and never need it. My eyelashes are also unusually long, so I don't have to enhance them either. Paint my nails? Always, so they'll match the color of the wood on my carpentry projects.

I hope that clears things up.

Dear Mr Nikk

If you had a pet chicken and a pet dog, and you had to choose between them, what would you do?


Torn Between Two Animals

Dear Torn,

I'd have me a feast of hot dog and chicken salad, and cry later.

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