Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Air Mattress

"Didja get that air mattress set up?"

"No, Uncle. I mean, yeah, but just the other night."

"Just the other night? Why I got that for ya almost a week ago!"

"I know. I didn't get a chance..."

"Didn't get a chance! Now, who was it complained that his back was going out? Who was it said if I don't get me a different bed I'm gonna wake up with terrible back pain and hardly be able to walk? Who?"

"I know..."

"You know? Sounds to me like you don't know a damn thing! Sounds to me like you're nothing but a damn fool!"

"But, Uncle, I..."

"Here you got yourself a rich uncle, who goes out his way for ya to get you the new mattress you need for your back, and you go and don't blow it up, you blow it off!"

"I did blow it up, I..."

"Liar! Now, listen up son, I know you ain't used to these kinds of camping furniture. You a city boy, like your sissy daddy, that can't be helped, and you weren't to blame for your upbringing.  And I have some 'sperience with tiny beds, bad mattresses and long legs. Whoa boy do I some 'sperience with long legs! But that's another story. What I mean is, I once slept in a bed like you got. It was the worst sleep I had during those miserable fourteen years I was in that flop house. Flop house my aching ass! You couldn't flop and it wasn't a house!" 

"Uncle, please, I will use it and..."

"Now boy, listen to me, just cause you never spent no night in the woods with the SFL, don't mean you can't get a good nights sleep on a air bed."


"The Squirrel Football League. Now don't tell me you be ignorant of that too?"

"Never heard of it."

"Not surprised! The sheltered existence you pansies live, nope don't surprise me at all!"

"What is it?"

"Son, nephew boy, don't you know squirrels play with their nuts? It's the naturalist thing in the world to them. Why, you put a big nut in a squirrels hands and it is dynamite. But one squirrel ain't nothing, no sir, you gots to see a whole team of squirrels in action! Now that's sport, deep woods kinda sport, yes indeed!"

"I don't get it, you're joking, right?"

"I don't joke. My brother did, and it landed him in jail, so, no, I never joke 'bout nothing.  And your back ain't no joke, so use that mattress. If it don't do the trick, why, I'll splurge and buy you the deluxe air mattress. You can count on your old uncle, yes you can!"  

"Uncle, just how did you make your fortune? Mom always told me it was in airplanes."

"Air plains, son, air plains. Just simply, no frills sleeping. I told all the doubters I'd make money from nothing, from the very air they was breathing, and they all just scoffed. Proved 'em wrong, now didn't I?"

"And that's all you want to do is air mattresses?"

"Well, I got something up my sleeve. What do think about the SHL?"


"Squirrel Hockey League. It won't be as easy as football, as them critters don't take naturally to a stick in their paws like they do a nut, but I'm working on it. Coming soon to a rink near you."

No comments:

Post a Comment

If the post you are commenting on is more than 30 days old, your comment will have to await approval before being published. Rest assured, however, that as long as it is not spam, it will be published in due time.

Related Posts with Thumbnails