Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Return of the Atheist and the Bear

Well, I've discovered some alternate versions of the Internet phenom An Atheist in the Woods. There are of course the usual Christian retellings, including adding more specific details. This one states that the woods were in Alaska (so now we have a named location) and that the atheist was admiring all that evolution had created , implying, I guess, that only nasty, stupid, God-denying atheists could believe in evolution and that no theists or Christians do (ignoring the fact that millions of Christians do except that evolution has occurred). This also makes the point that that dumb, ignorant atheist is soon going to learn that what Saint Paul said: "For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse" (Romans 1:20) is true. Sinful God hater! You'll get yours and a bear will be God's instrument of justice! Then you'll meet the same fate as Mr. Darwin and scream in agony in the flames of Hell!!! How dare you use your mind to discover the reason things are what they are, how dare you use science and logic to uncover truth, how dare you, a mere creature, challenge the ignorant, incoherent ramblings of the bible writers on the origin of life and the universe! God did it all, you fool, and that's the only answer you should have accepted! Your arrogance has lost you your soul! But we must move on. This rewriter (whether the poster or someone else) also grows the legend, as we now find the bear is not 7 feet, but a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear. We also learn the atheist was so scared that tears came to his eyes.

I think the above is instructive, as that is probably how the gospel story grew more elaborate over time, the more simple story of Mark being expanded by subsequent authors, just like this little story developing details like a place (Alaska) making a generic tale more real. More evidence that Christians just make stuff up and that just maybe the Jesus Mythicists are right!

Someone here claims: The person in the original joke was a christian. The joke was changed by Christians for obvious reasons.

The irony is, as soon as a person (who would claim to be an Atheist) prays, they are a religionist.

Here's a spin on it:

An Atheist and a Christian are running from a bear. They know they aren't going to outrun the bear.

The Christian stops and prays.

I also discovered some alternate versions of the story that change the protagonist from an atheist to a Christian.

This one from here puts an Islamic spin on it (the poor Christian having picked the wrong religion):


A christian was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Christian cried out, "Oh Allah!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You trivialised my existence for all these years, teach others a man is a god and even made a woman and other divine." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The christian looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Muslim now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Muslim"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Praise to Allah! For you have bestowed upon me an infidel for food."

And this one from here at

The Christian and the Bear

One fair spring morning, a devout Christian decided to take a walk through a nearby wood. Upon entering, he began walking along a narrow dirt path through the lush, green forest admiring all of the things that God had created.

"Wow", he thought to himself while taking in the beauty that surrounded him. "What majestic trees!” Then, a faint rustling sound came from somewhere close by. The Christian turned to look but could see nothing and continued walking. His eyes followed a small stream that flowed beside the path. “What a lovely little stream!”, he thought and off to the left, the rustling sound grew louder. The Christian walked a bit faster down the path. Looking up, the Christian said out loud, “What a beautiful sky. God is indeed a very wonderful creator!" Suddenly, a huge grizzly bear emerged from the dense shrubbery and upon seeing the man, started to chase him. The Christian ran along the path for all he was worth, but the bear was almost upon him. The Christian looked back over his shoulder and saw that the bear was only a few yards behind him. The man then tripped over a large rock and fell to the ground beside a small wooden sign attached to a post. The bear, having slowed its pace, lumbered up to the Christian and began to sniff his clothing. The man, laying face down, closed his eyes and prayed in desperation "Heavenly Father, I ask you to please save me from this bear!"

As the Christian continued to beseech God, the grizzly let out a ferocious roar and ripped four deep gashes across the man’s back. The Christian screamed in agony while the bear continued tearing and ripping him into bloody shreds of warm flesh. The man, while still being mauled, reached out a feeble hand and touched the signpost just before losing consciousness.

When the bear had eaten all it could, it lumbered off in the direction from which it came, leaving the Christian's remains to decompose and rot.

Inscribed upon the sign were these words:

Matthew 21:22 - "And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."

The End

The original atheist bashing version (if indeed it is the original version, and not altered as claimed above) is still being posted. I found this at

Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:52 am Post subject: An Atheist in the Woods.

Silly Christians.

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